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Tired of your slow-ass gaming framerates? Disappointed with new and expensive video cards that offer just a tiny performance boost over the older models? Weary of upgrading every six months? Stop screwing around and worry no more!

Introducing the ucfx™ Woohoo5™ 34500 AGP.

Twenty three processors. 736MB of RAM. 5 square feet of six-layer printed circuit board.

In collaboration with 3dfx Interactive™, ucfx™ is proud to present the fastest PC 3d accelerator on the face of the earth. Using the advanced new 3dfx™ VSA-100 chip in a massively parallel arrangement, we are able to achieve an astounding fillrate of 10 gigapixels per second. Can you say Quake 3 at 1600x1200 at 350fps? And with the addition of our new proprietary 16x FSAA, your games will look so smooth you will have a hard time not wanting to rub your ass cheeks on the monitor.

The new ucfx™ Woohoo5™ 34500 AGP.

So big, it's kind of ridiculous.™

Note: Will not fit in most PC cases without slight case modifications. Card comes with a Honda diesel generator for power. Not FCC approved. Keep away from water, small children, air traffic control towers, munitions dumps, and pacemakers. Extended use may cause cancer. Shipped via truck freight. Estimated retail price $5,743.56 (USD)

Twenty three 3dfx™ VSA-100 chips for the ultimate in 3D gaming. 733MHz Intel Pentium 3 Coppermine RAMDAC to make those Excel spreadsheets fly! Industry standard 15-pin VGA monitor connector. Easy hookup to your existing monitor! Extremely cool looking electronic componentry!	Tired of your slow-ass gaming framerates? Disappointed with new and expensive video cards that offer just a tiny performance boost over the older models? Weary of upgrading every six months? Stop screwing around and worry no more! Introducing the ucfx™ Woohoo5™ 34500 AGP. Twenty three processors. 736MB of RAM. 5 square feet of six-layer printed circuit board. In collaboration with 3dfx Interactive™, ucfx™ is proud to present the fastest PC 3d accelerator on the face of the earth. Using the advanced new 3dfx™ VSA-100 chip in a massively parallel arrangement, we are able to achieve an astounding fillrate of 10 gigapixels per second. Can you say Quake 3 at 1600x1200 at 350fps? And with the addition of our new proprietary 16x FSAA, your games will look so smooth you will have a hard time not wanting to rub your ass cheeks on the monitor. The new ucfx™ Woohoo5™ 34500 AGP. So big, it's kind of ridiculous.™ Note: Will not fit in most PC cases without slight case modifications. Card comes with a Honda diesel generator for power. Not FCC approved. Keep away from water, small children, air traffic control towers, munitions dumps, and pacemakers. Extended use may cause cancer. Shipped via truck freight. Estimated retail price $5,743.56 (USD)	Onboard 3-pin fan connector for every VSA-100 chip. Fans not included. 736MB of extremely fast 2ns DDR RDSNVRAM. You can actually install games straight to the video card. Feature connector for capturing dust particles and knuckle skin included at no extra cost.. Industry standard AGP slot connector!
E-mail: punchcard@ultimatechaos.com	This is a parody/tribute, and is not to be taken seriously. Any resemblance to actual products is purely intentional. The 3dfx name and logo is a registered trademark of 3dfx Interactive, Inc. The 3dfx name and likeness is used without permission. All images and text on this page are the property of Punchcard and may not be used without permission. And yes, we know Overclockers OZ did something like this a while back (here), and their version uses the full maximum 32 VSA-100 chips, but ours looks better. 3Dfx forever!	an production